Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!

Q: What does the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!

I heard that parallel lines actually do meet, but they are very discrete.

"97.3% of all statistics are made up."

"That Maths Prof's marriage is falling apart!"
"No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"

Q: How does one insult a Mathematician?
A: You say: “Your brain is smaller than any ε > 0”

Q: What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean?
A: Möbius Dick...

Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who cannot.

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left.
The second one shoots and misses it on the right.
The third one shouts, "We've hit it!"

Math Problems? Call 0800 - [(10x)(13i)²]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

Q: How do you make one burn?
A: Differentiate a log fire!

Q: What do you call a one-sided nudie bar?
A: A Möbius strip club.

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: "What, on Earth, does he mean by that?"
Peter replied: "Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas."

"The number you have dialled is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."

Q: Do you already know the latest stats joke?
A: Probably...

Q: How many numerical analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3.9967: (after six iterations).

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

Q: What is a Topologist?
A: A person who cannot tell a doughnut from a coffee mug.

Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

In a dark, narrow alley, a function and a differential operator meet:
"Get out of my way - or I'll differentiate you till you're zero!"
"Try it - I'm e^x..."

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. 

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?"
Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished. 

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can't.

Q: What is the integral of "one over cabin" with respect to "cabin"?
A: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.

There was a logician who saw a sign on his way to fish that read, "All the worms you want for $1.00." He stopped his car and ordered $2.00 worth.

In modern mathematics, algebra has become so important that numbers will soon only have symbolic meaning.

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

The shortest math joke: let epsilon be < 0

sin (x) /n = 6.

In the topologic hell the beer is packed in Klein's bottles

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber.
A: You can't cross a vector with a scalar.

"What's your favourite thing about mathematics?" "Knot theory." "Yeah, me neither."

Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
A: Because he wasn't Abel.

Limericks:

A mathematician confided
That the Möbius band is one-sided
And you'll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
'Cause it stays in one piece when divided.

A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Möbius band was divine
Said he: If you glue
The edges of two
You'll get a weird bottle like mine.

There was a young fellow named Fisk,
A swordsman, exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Lorentz contraction
Reduced his rapier to a disk.

'Tis a favourite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

If inside a circle a line
Hits the centre and goes spine to spine
And the line's length is "d"
the circumference will be
d times 3.14159

Pi goes on and on and on ...
And e is just as cursed.
I wonder: Which is larger
When their digits are reversed?

A challenge for many long ages
Had baffled the savants and sages.
Yet at last came the light:
Seems old Fermat was right--
To the margin add 200 pages.

If (1+x) (real close to 1)
Is raised to the power of 1
Over x, you will find
Here's the value defined:
2.718281...

Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.

A burlesque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
and died of constriction
Attempting a Möbius strip.

This poem was written by John Saxon, an author of maths textbooks.
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared and not a bit more.

In arctic and tropical climes,
the integers, addition, and times,
taken (mod p) will yield
a full finite field,
as p ranges over the primes.

A graduate student from Trinity
Computed the cube of infinity;
But it gave him the fidgets
To write down all those digits,
So he dropped math and took up divinity.

Chebychev said it and I'll say it again:
There's always a prime between n and 2n! 

A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether the circle is round;
In a paper by Erdös,
Written in Kurdish,
A counterexample is found.

(Erdös is pronounced "Air - dish") 

There once was a number named pi
Who frequently liked to get high.
All he did every day
Was sit in his room and play
With his imaginary friend named i.

There once was a number named e
Who took way too much LSD.
She thought she was great.
But that fact we must debate;
We know she wasn't greater than 3.

There once was a log named Lynn
Whose life was devoted to sin.
She came from a tree
Whose base was shaped like an e.
She's the most natural log I've seen.

Longer Maths Jokes:

Approximately 10 excuses for not doing homework:

• I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

• I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.

• I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.

• I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.

• I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

• I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.

• I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.

• I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.

• I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.